Ellyn Satter

I feel like I came within incheas of creating a real eating disorder in my son when I happened upon Ellyn Satter's book "Your Child's Weight, Helping Without Harming." Reading her book helped me break a multi-generational cycle of weight and food issues.

My son Trey was two years old when I found myself sobbing to my mother over the phone about having to worry abut my child's weight, after worrying about my own eating all my life. My son had gone from premature and tiny to a heavy boy who was off the weight chart within a year. By the time he was two, he was obsessed with food, shoveling it into his mouth and badgering me relentlessly when I tried to prepare meals. The pediatrician had said we should try cutting out something, but we already fed him such healthy food I didn't know what to cut out.

My mother's response that night turned on a light bulb that changed my life forever and sent me in search of something ... and luckily I found Ellyn's work. That night, my mom provided suggestions that she had used with me and my sister when we were young, such as "pouring milk into the cereal bowl before pouring in the cereal so the cereal would float on top and look like more." She also said that she had "noticed" that I had given whole-milk cottage cheese to my son one day. When I mentioned that it was hard to get my son to run around at the playground because loved the swings so much, she suggested I take him to parks without swings. She called me back a couple of days later to discuss how concerned she was about Trey's weight. I love and admire my mother, but luckily I was able to see the absurdity of her suggestions, particularly as she has had her own struggles with food and weight since she was a teenager. Furthermore, my sister had a serious eating disorder as a teenager. There are issues on my husband's side as well, and I believe our history led us both to be conciously and unconciously restricting our son's food. He was obsessed with food because we were restricting, particularly fats.

I found Ellyn's book through a message board, and told my husband I wanted to do an experiment that would sound crazy. I asked him to let us try for one month. Within two weeks of using Ellyn's suggestions our son's relationship with food was completely transformed. I changed my own habits as well, and have never felt better.

Yes, my son, who just turned four, still LOVES to eat and stays at the table longer than any other child I know. Yes, he is still off the chart for weight (and 90% for height). But no longer is he obssessed, nor do we parents struggle. He is right where he should be for who is as a person, and he is in control of his eating. We all eat breakfast and dinner together most days, and we are a better family for it. We enjoy eating all kinds of food I used to consider "off limits" due to fat content. I love serving my son dessert with dinner and watching him alternate between ice cream and carrots. I could go on and on, but I should wrap this up. Thank you Ellyn!

~ Jill

God bless you for the smarts you are bringing to the family table. I am an RD too, and thought I was so smart until I had a baby. I can pinpoint the day at 11 months old she stopped trusting new foods after throwing up the first time. I would get so irrationally angry that she wasn't eating what I gave her any more. Many a dinner for her consisted of fruit, crackers, and milk (and really, that ain't that bad).

I persevered and kept offering her foods to only toss them away or save for the next meal. One day at age 3 (more than 2 years later) I watched her eat a raw green bean for the first time. Then she ate peas. (Previously her only vegetable was pizza sauce). In the last MONTH she has eaten raw carrots, edamame, white and brown rice, a hamburger, blueberries (first time since 11 months - it was one of the foods she threw up), a grape tomato (spit out, but she tried it), red and green peppers, and potatoes. I think the key was, I recognized the division of responsibility and tried my hardest to follow your advice. I watch my friends with tots miserably fail at this though I tell them about your books. Watching them was just as much of an education!

In short, thank you and keep up the great work. We parents of young'uns take on the world for them, but in the area of eating we don't need to, and I for one appreciate that reminder.

~ Suzanne

As a dietitian I have read Ellyn's manuals and watched the videos as well so that I can counsel parents. But only since having a child of my own have I realized the importance of the division of responsibility. My busy 2 year old boy can be quite a handful and has made our life quite busy for sure. However, we all look forward to mealtime. My son runs eagerly to the table when he is called and both my husband and I enjoy sitting with him to eat and engage with him and watch him really enjoy mealtime. He has become a child that eats a variety of foods and will eat most everything we prepare for him. We allow him to eat whatever he wants in the meal and do not coax him to eat anything else. Our friends look at us a little strange when we all get together to eat, especially when we allow him to have seconds of something before finishing other items on his plate or allowing him to have dessert when he has eaten very little. Mostly though I think they are amazed at how well he eats in general and how pleasant he is at the table. I am so thankful for the joy and relaxation we are able to experience at our family meals and I know it is due to the fact that we are following Ellyn's philosophy.... we do our job and we allow him to do his.

~ Carla

Gemma is nearly 5 and she's still a good eater, though that's not to say she eats everything I give her. Some days she eats lots, and some days not. Some days she doesn't like things she previously enjoyed (like last night with crab), and some days she comes back to something I thought was lost forever (like last week with guacamole). But because I'm always providing good food (well, *almost* always!), I don't worry about how much she eats. Ellyn's philosophy is a true blessing when it comes to Gemma because she's headstrong and loves to be in charge. I can't imagine the kind of battles we'd be having at the table if I didn't understand about the division of responsibility.

~ Nancy

My daughter weighed 9 lb 11 ounces at birth and has always loved to eat. I watched my nephew go from a similarly large baby who was enthusiastic about eating to a food obsessed 5 year old whose well meaning parents restrict food. He whines over every bite, always wanting more. Meals become negotiation sessions, and he hoards food when he thinks no one is looking.

At about 14 months, my daughter was starting to ask for food all day long. As a doctor, I had given advice to parents (poor advice!) and I didn't know how to deal with feeding my own daughter. I didn't want her to be obsessed with food like my nephew. I was worried about her being ''heavy'' with the constant comments from family and strangers about her size (the delivery room nurses called her ''chunky monkey!'')

In my practice I have treated teenagers with eating disorders, and adults with more problems related to obesity than I can count. I wasn't sure how to handle a kid with a hearty appetite without being too regulating, or too lax. I read Child of Mine, and it was an epiphany.

I realized that I was trying to control my daughter’s eating and it was making her afraid she wouldn’t get enough to eat. After following the simple message in the book—to do my jobs with feeding and let my daughter do hers—I noticed much less panhandling, and more importantly, less anxiety on my part. I need to trust my daughter, and trust that she will get what she needs. She's over the 100th % for both height and weight. She has such a lovely, funny spirit. She's chatty and active, and not worrying about food or her size, or things I can't control, has made every day more joyful. Things are going great now. We sit and eat meals together, have regular snacks, I let her eat as much as she wants at those times, and she prefers fruit to cookies!

I talk about your book all the time. I can't believe how poorly health care professionals are trained in this matter. I wish this book was required reading for all medical students who will deal with children, and parents to-be

~ Grateful Doctor in the Midwest

Your book Child of Mine really changed the way my daughter Kyla ate. She refused table foods, other than Cheerios, only wanting to eat pureed baby food. After reading your book, I realized I was going about feeding her all wrong. I started following your advice and she has become an incredible eater, not afraid to try new things. I also have improved how I view food, which has improved our family meals.

Thanks!

~ Georgette, parent

Thanks, Ms. Satter, for your insightful book. I recently read Child of Mine and feel that decisions I made that were criticized in the past were actually valid and reasonable. My doubts are no longer with me.

A few years ago, a doctor told me that I needed to "cut out the snacking" for my two year old daughter, as her height was at the 25% while her weight was at the 95%. I mentioned that our snacks usually consisted of fruit, cheese, seaweed (she's always loved that) and other pretty healthy stuff, and I only gave her two a day (and of course, her three meals a day). He suggested I cut out one of the snacks. He said she was too heavy and I needed to help her grow while maintaining her current weight so she could grow down the percentiles. I pointed out that she had always been this way, since she was four months old, and he said I should switch her to 1% or skim milk. He said all this right in front of her.

I immediately found a new doctor.

I told the new doctor that she should not speak to me about my daughters weight or body in front of her. One of my closest friends growing up was anorexic. A distorted self-image and unhealthy relationship to food frightened me more than a chubby kid or adult. The new doctor assured me that my daughter was fine and not to worry. Which I did anyway, until I read your book. Thank you so very much for writing it. It's helping me to be much less controlling about food choices and lighten up a little with desserts. It's helped me to enjoy meals and my kids even more than before. And with three girls, it's made me feel secure that I can support their positive body images.

~ Parent

I am amazed! We started dividing the responsibilities of eating as suggested, and I am already starting to see a difference! I offered soup, pasta, bread, and salad at lunch today, and my 2.5 year old turned down the soup until she saw me eating it, then she said "I need soup" and proceeded to eat a hearty bowl of it!

Thank you for providing such clear guidelines and a framework for parents. We have two girls who are generally good eaters (eat a variety of foods, no allergies) but the "panhandling" was becoming a huge issue. I feel like this is a step in the right direction.

Thank you again,

~ Parent

The first night that I decided to start implementing the ideas of the "Divison of Responsibility" I served fajitas, knowing full well that my daughter would not like the meat and some of the accompaniments. I served the fajitas buffet style and let her help herself to whatever she wanted. She only ate tortillas and cheese, but declared that this was "the best dinner ever!" Simply changing the format from fixing her a balanced plate of what I thought she should eat to letting her help herself and removing the pressure made a world of difference to her and she obviously enjoyed the experience! The pressure and nagging at mealtimes has disappeared and we are all happier for it. Slowly but surely, I'm seeing little increases in her food repetoire.

~ Angela

Thank you for talking with me about my sons. Now I feel much more at ease about feeding them--or letting them feed themselves! I also want to thank you for helping me with my own eating issues years ago when I first read How to Get Your Kid to Eat... But Not Too Much as a brand new dietitian. I think your books should be required reading in dietetics programs. Your work has changed my life and no doubt thousands more. Those close to me know that you are sort of my hero.

~ Kara

A Parent Who Stayed the Course

I remember being frightened when my second daughter grew into a chubby, double-chinned baby. She loved to eat, and was purely joyful at mealtimes. A stranger first confronted me about her size when she was 6 months old, all dressed up and standing in line to have her picture taken. The line was long, she became hungry and fussy and I said, ''don't worry darling, you'll get to eat soon.'' The woman behind said ''looks like she could go a long time without eating.'' As I walked away I felt guilty and angry. How could someone say something like that, and more than that, how could I have let my beautiful baby get so fat?

I found How to Get your Child to Eat...but Not Too Much when my daughter was about 5 years old and had somehow become a picky eater. I suspect it had something to do with my old eating issues, thinking that I was fat, dieting as a teenager, taking diet pills and the like. I bent over backwards so far to avoid eating struggles with her that I was making special foods and catering to her. I consciously put the division of responsibility plan into action. We did have family dinners already, but I stopped making her special food and insisting she had to eat. I let her choose what she did or didn't eat. Over a period of 6 months she went from eating bread and milk to eating almost everything that was on the table. In fact, one night after dinner she looked down at her plate and said ''I've eaten a whole plate of food.''

As she got older, her weight was always at the 90th to 95th percentile. When she was active and played sports (soccer mostly), she slimmed down. When she stopped, she gained weight. I threw away the bathroom scale, and never talked about her weight. When she was in high school, she said she didn't have any idea of what she weighed. She was 5"4 and I would guess she weighed between 140 and 150 pounds most of the time. She was always larger than her friends but never felt that she was overweight. We did have some tearful moments in dressing rooms when she was trying to fit into the ''typical teenager'' clothes.

Today, she is 21, beautiful, with healthy attitudes about foods, her body and her life. She recently dropped 15 pounds as a consequence of a change in her habits. She was busy, working, dancing, going to college and decided to stop drinking soda and eating fast food–not because she was fat but because they didn't make her feel good.

We always stressed meals, having snacks, and eating as much as she was hungry for. My youngest sister used to love to come and visit us because we had so much fun at family dinners. I know for sure that if I had tried to restrict her, limit her foods, or even talk to her about being fat or overweight, I could have spoiled all that and caused her lasting damage.

By all means, please share our story with other parents. Tell them that it does take courage to stay the course. There were many times that I worried my daughter would grow up to have food issues and to be fat and unhappy. But it turned out well. Even my husband said a few years ago, “the best thing you did was throw away the scale.”

~ Pat

Your books Child of Mine: Feeding with Love & Good Sense and Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family have been absolutely inspirational to me as I have made the transition from corporate attorney (being fed 3 meals a day by a very good corporate cafeteria) to stay-at-home-mother. Secrets became a fixture on my kitchen counter: An important guide as I learned to manage food for my family. Child of Mine gave me a great set of principles to follow in approaching the vagaries of feeding first one and then another toddler and preschooler. Although some days are better than others, I have held onto your nuggets of wisdom, including ''a toddler can smell an agenda a mile away'' and ''being motivated comes with the territory of being a child.''

Perhaps most helpful was your encouragement to do my job—and not waste my time trying to do my sons' jobs, too! I have recommended your books to all of the mothers I know (including my own mother, who lives alone and faces the challenges of how to feed a rather small family). Everyone who has read them has thanked me!

~ Laurel

My 16 month old daughter was born with liver disease and received a liver transplant at 6 months of age. My story about getting her to eat post-transplant is long and emotional for me. I loved breastfeeding and was heartbroken when she refused to eat-anything! After having a NG-Tube and then eventually a G-Tube placement, we ended up feeding her by placing her in her high chair to tube feed her at regular times each day while also offering finger foods and formula by mouth. We decided not to "pump" feed her through the tube throughout the night. It just didn't make sense to my husband and I that anyone should feel full all night long. I couldn't believe it when I found your book and there was actually a section on tube feeding. The philosophy you present helped me so much and within three months our daughter was not using the tube for feeds at all and on June 2nd she had it removed. I truly believe it is because I let go of forcing and begging her to eat and just provided her with regular times in the high chair. I thank you.

~ A grateful parent

Understanding the division of responsibility in feeding lets me make sense of my past. Now that I understand, I can help other parents (I am a health professional) avoid the anguish I went through.

From the time he was a baby, my son Owen’s well checks were all the same. “He’s too chubby.” “His weight is at the 95th percentile.” “What are you feeding him?” his pediatrician would ask. I breastfed Owen for 5 months, but even though I hid the truth about the rest, the doctor still said, “too much.” Owen ate a lot. I couldn't feed him fast enough. He fussed and fussed as I rushed around the kitchen getting his food ready, and then fussed after each mouthful. He had to have his snacks or he got crabby. His eating, his size, and his being the baby of the family gave me great anxiety because my sister, also the baby of the family, is morbidly obese. Her weight had been a huge family issue when I was growing up, and I was so afraid Owen would have her problems! Looking back, I suspect it was food restriction that made her so fat.

Even though it was hard at the time, I am happy to say that I did not restrict Owen. From age 3 years on, Owen’s new pediatrician wasn’t concerned about his weight, so I was honest with him about what Owen ate. But I still worried. Truth be told, I worried for years. I kept track of what he ate and got upset when my husband let him have a lot of meats and carbohydrates and didn’t push the vegetables like I wanted him to. I watched carefully to make sure Owen didn’t sneak and hoard food like my sister did.

Now at age 23, and a lean 6'3" tall, Owen still has a big appetite and gets crabby when he is hungry. When he comes home my food budget goes way up. It seems that all the things I worried about, his big appetite and the way he loved to eat, were just natural for him. Despite all of the pressure I felt to “get” Owen to eat and weigh less, I resisted. Even though it was hard on me, I did the right thing, and the story has a happy ending!

~ Dorothy

I love your book Child of Mine, and I credit it with my three-year-old's being such a great eater. He loves fruits and vegetables! His preschool teacher calls him a vacuum cleaner. The only things he doesn't like are the typical toddler/preschooler favorites like grilled cheese, macaroni and cheese. He only recently started eating peanut butter and jelly! We've never forced him to taste or eat anything, we don't prepare special meals for him, and when we fix a main dish that he doesn't care for we make sure we offer side dishes that he'll eat. I now give Child of Mine as a gift to pregnant friends.

~ Ashley , parent

Your advice has worked wonderfully! The little lady who would only eat Cheerios & bread is now eager to eat all kinds of baby food, cereal and finger food. It's amazing. There is so much more time to play now, she seems happier and I'm definitely more relaxed. Meals are fun now and there's lots of smiling. Thank you, thank you. I'd call it total success!

~ Amy